I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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