so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
