Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
