guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
