how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
