We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
