I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
