im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
