I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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