Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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