so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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