I cannot find my penis.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
