Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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