the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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