??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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