Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
