I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
