Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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