Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
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