admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
