If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
