Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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