You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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