Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
