the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
