I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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