if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
