I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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