apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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