those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
