I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
