Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
