I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
