What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
God, I missed his penis.
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