why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize