you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
