she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You took a bar mat shot.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
