I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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