I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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