he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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