I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize