my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you didnt know i had herpes?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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