Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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