My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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