I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
