her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
