i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We don't watch enough power rangers
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
