I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
