i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
