I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
