Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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