why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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