Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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