Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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