Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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