why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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