Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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