oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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