i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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