Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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