Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
