I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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