so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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