dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
